Yashi Renoir: Sounds French but it ain't

Oh, right, I have a Blogger.

2010-09-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

Totally forgot this thing existed ever since I migrated to Tumblr.
I think everyone who has an account here will do that eventually. I never did because Tumblr confused me, but now it's all good. Plus, the pictures! The art! /heaven

But on the other hand...

/not heaven.
School is such a downer. :( However I realised today that we only have about three weeks left of proper school and proper learning, proper establishment, proper structure...

Holy shitsauce boys and girls, I'm going to be a high school graduate soon! And then off to uni with my sorry ass.

The thing about uni...heh, well. I've decided which one I'm going to, and I am definitely taking a gap year. The whole prospect of it excites me more than words. It's why I'm cramming my ass off these last few moments of school because I know every little bit counts.

What's that, you say? 'If you're cramming, why are you writing on this blog?'

Well, my children, it's because I am procrastinating. I'm also very tired. But I'm getting there.

I let a lot of stuff go this term. It's liberating, inspiring...kind of like there's a little fish swimming around in my stomach, waiting for the moment it can leap out and be free in the ocean. I guess that's what I'm waiting for. The fish keeps trying to get out but it falls short - short gasps of good art. Not long enough.

And other people, ugh. I'm sick of people. I'm actually looking forward to exams because I'll be able to lock myself up for a while without having to explain myself. I miss being a hermit.

Anyway, back to it then. Wish me luck, guys - I have an unbelievable amount of work to finish in a week and a half hahahaha. XD

Not that funny.

2010-08-04T02:34:00.000-07:00

There are too many instances where change can happen.
It's a cyclic routine - it happens over and over again without a breath. I'm finding that it's more common nowadays. My little soul pleads I try to keep on the move for just that while longer, because something is happening behind doors that I don't know about. Whatever it is, it is apparent that it has to occur otherwise there will be an uncontrollable shift, and I won't be able to do anything about it.

So for now I guess I'm following my nose and waiting for that moment where everything fits together, at last.

Weird. I can't help but feel a bit uneasy and frightened. However, in the words of David Bowie: 'I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring'.

I wish I had something visual to share with you but I'm completely dry. Sorry.

Terminal frost.

2010-07-18T06:14:00.001-07:00

Ah, the pleasure of early morning rides.

Beautiful morning.

Something strange.

2010-07-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

Good things come to those who try.

2010-07-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

Today I had an uplifting 'I will not let opportunities pass, nor will I wait for things to happen' moment.

I spent a quick 45 minutes in the city in the morning, and the light and air was just beautiful. So fresh and clean; it really felt like a flood had come down and washed away all the dirt and grime, and left a cleansing fragrance behind. I wandered around aimlessly for a bit, only because I wanted to be outside and to breathe in the air, no matter how stuffy my nose was/is. I think I would've spent a longer amount of time there if I didn't have a prior commitment.

So I carted my ass off to Freo, and a German tourist sat beside me, his wife another person away from me. I thought about asking him about his travels, and like I thought it would, that stupid little voice in the back of my head said: 'Not today. Do you really want to suffer empty conversation, and feel inadequate because you don't know what to say? No, you don't. It's best to say nothing at all. Wait until you feel more like yourself, another day.'

Ha, no way was I going to listen to that.

I proceeded to ask him where he was from.
And so started a good conversation that lasted until we got to Freo. Nice guy, been more places than I have. Said he loved the weather and the fact that everything is *green* in winter, here. I told him I wished I could relate to his love of the FIFA World Cup. XD He told me that we have a lot of stops called 'Doors Closing'.

Yeah, he was interesting to speak to. He appreciated my restaurant recommendations. I think if I wasn't going to meet a friend, I would have offered to show him and his wife around Freo. But hey, it was a good start to my...getting better, so to speak.

I felt blocked before today. But then I remembered - there's no reason to hang onto negative thoughts. There's no reason to hang onto thoughts at all. It's much healthier just to sit and be - to not think anything, and to enjoy whatever company/environment you happen to be in. Mostly, thinking about a situation you're in only leads to negative thoughts because you realise how hard it is to get out of it. And so you start calling yourself pathetic and gutless. Which is useless, really. It doesn't help at all. So why hold onto such thoughts and feelings? They don't matter. If they make you feel awful, they're not worth your energy.

That said, I thoroughly enjoyed my day and felt the first fragments of pure feeling for the first time in a while. It made me want to go out more, or to at least explore my new environment by other means. I found myself wondering where my curiosity for experience had gone - what's so bad about being here anyway? It's new, it's different, and it's teaching me so much. There's no harm. As for the mother I love and adore, still, I felt I could still travel back to when we were the only ones in that beautiful house of ours. I could still relive those moments. That, to me, is the most comforting thought I've had since the end of last year. I can still speak to her in those memories. I value that so much.

I hope this change in attitude will make me optimistic for the coming weeks and will boost my motivation levels; as well as getting rid of this damned sickness quickly. A lack of self-esteem generally makes you more susceptible to illness, and...that's what happened. It doesn't have to happen anymore.

Oh, I saw Banksy's Exit Through The Gift Shop. It's a mindfuck, if there ever was one. I highly recommend it - it makes you question the morals and principles of what defines art. Intriguing, inspiring; you come away with a different perception on how we, as a society, function in terms of media hype. Seriously, go see it! Banksy has encapsulated his genius into a mega-art. :D

Right, so, I think I'll be taking on a new way of looking at things - a more mature, evolved way. It shall be interesting. Let's see how this goes.

P.S: Have you ever been violin-wolf-whistled by a pirate?
I have.

White Suburb Impressionism.

2010-06-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately...been questioning myself, it seems.

What does it mean to be an artist? What is an artist? Aren't we all artists in some respects?

The bohemian way of living has always seemed appealing to me. I mean, I wouldn't intentionally get myself into that kind of disarray, but if I did somehow end up in that situation, I wouldn't mind it. I'd be excited for it. But it's...it's full of delusion. You're not an artist because you live on little money and you hang out with 'intellectuals'. That's ridiculous.

I don't think I like that term, 'artist'. There are always connotations of the word that are a far cry from what artists actually do. People expect things of you. People view you differently. Nah, don't like it at all. I am me. That's as much as I can say.

But then again, what the fuck do I do with what I have? I've got the motivation, the eagerness and passion, but I don't have a Final Result. What do I want to do for the world? I don't want to be like everyone else and do something utterly and completely for myself. I want to help others, not just myself. It's all very well to focus on your own expression and development, but what of other people? They won't understand what you're saying unless you spell it out to them. A piece of art has different messages from person to person. It's never the same...

People are so very touchy; emotions even more so. But it is so intriguing to learn about how 'artists' - authors and playwrights, especially - take these behaviours and articulate them in the form of a narrative. It's a very deep understanding; amazing, almost, how a person can actually put it into words. I admire that. But the general audience of such literatures isn't terribly large. This bothers me.

I really don't know what to do. What I've said is the heart of my indecision regarding universities. I want to do something...big. Life, however, makes it so hard to choose between what I want and what must needs be done. I have a very jumbled-up, yarn-ball idea in my head that has no mode of expression right now, but I know it's going to come out one day and when it does, something huge will happen. Snowball effect.

I guess we'll see.

Random fact: Yashi thinks far too much, feels too much, knows too much and is frustrated that she can't write/draw/paint/take photos non-stop for a whole week.

I'm the dandy highwayman.

2010-06-15T03:25:00.000-07:00

Adam Ant is so inspiring.

Exams.

2010-06-01T04:44:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel:

This is how I'd like to feel:

I hate exams. :(

People everyday.

2010-05-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

This contact juggler is frequently in the city.

I took a photo of him and drew it. :)

Maybe I'll give him the drawing one day.

Exams start in two days.

Late night bites.

2010-05-19T08:25:00.001-07:00

So the question I pose to you today is:

Where do you want your life to lead you?
And are potato chips really worth the walk to the cupboard?

Discuss.

In the garden, there be creatures.

2010-05-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

Polly leaves the kitchen and sits on her tuffet,

Expecting relief and a fanfare of trumpets,

But she did her work as the tea girl,

The spider comes now, and he needs his fill.

My pocket knife's got a shiny blade.

2010-05-14T06:22:00.001-07:00

Finally got around to getting my net back, aaanndd here's a photo from Glenelg in Adelaide. :D

Furthermore, I would go gay for PJ Harvey.

I'm not joking.

She just turns her head and disappears.

2010-05-12T02:01:00.000-07:00

My internet ist kaputt at the moment, so I'm hijacking dad's computer.
I have pictures to post, which I'll do later.

Life is rockin' the awesome boat.

I bought a flannel check shirt yesterday, and a cotton one. I don't know why I didn't do it before. They're comfy, warm, and they look really good.

Studying is actually finding itself a benefit to me.

And I think I'm making a decision to go to UWA next year. They have everything I want in an arts degree - ancient history, classics, philosophy, fine arts, creative writing...and all that jazz. I really, really want to do it. But I'm still uncertain. It doesn't feel right to properly settle on it yet.

*sigh* I really need my internet back; so many people I have to email!

Oh, and it seems I'm really leaning towards literary pursuits at the moment. I know I'm a traditional artist, but I think I'm a writer first. This is why I think UWA will be beneficial; it has fine arts as well as a lot of writing benefits. I guess I just have to see where it will lead me.

Onnllyy tiiime will tellllll.

Future is a time to think...

Tasteful.

2010-05-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

Things rabbiting around my mind lately:

- I actually like being busy nowadays. I feel like I'm not wasting my time by mooching around the house.

- Photoshoots are stressful! But like the ever-growing pile of deadlines, I am enjoying it, as it is a great learning curve.

- I'm trying not to be harsh to those I care about. I think it's working so far.

- Greek literature. I recently bought Metamorpheses by Ovid and am currently reading Discourses by Epictetus; the latter of which is helping me develop a great deal.

- I am enjoying my lunches. They are very, very yummy. :D

- I may get a job in an art gallery. Over. The. Fucking. Moon.

- My friends are absolutely amazing. <3 I am also very lucky to be surrounded by a good bunch of kids.

- Life is good right now. In the next two weeks I will be stressed to oblivion, but hey, that's alright. It's what is supposed to happen, after all.

Wish me luck for exams, yo.

Polly put the kettle on.

2010-05-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

Sukey took it off again, Sukey took it off again...

Up in the cosmos.

2010-04-26T03:02:00.000-07:00

The trip was wonderful. I had so much fun. There's a lot I had to say about it, and if you want to know, go to my devART website:
http://www.carrotxstuffing.deviantart.com

A lot of things have been pushing at my mind lately. For one, I have realised how quickly things can change and settle down. After a period of loneliness, restlessness, boredness and inactivity, I've been getting urges to do a lot of things, art-wise, as well as what a normal human being would occupy themselves with: exercise, socialising, exploring and experimenting. The momentary bumpy path is beginning to smooth out, and I'm looking forward to many exciting things. I didn't think it would happen so quickly, but what do you know. My expectations always morph.

I also realised too that I have 5 and a half months left of school. This freaks me the fuck out. For a while I've been expressing my need to get out of school and go to uni, because it's so much more free and creative, but now I'm just shit scared because it'll mean responsibility and completing the stages of adult development. I'm tentative. I don't think it's because I'm not ready; it's more because of the anxiety of not knowing what's going to happen. But alas, doesn't everyone go through this? I'm sure I'll be okay on the other side. Just gotta stop thinking so much and get on with it.

That's another topic for discussion. I think far too much. My overanalysis of things has been getting me into a spot of bother. Overanalysing = unnecessary sadness. If one stops thinking so much, one stops upsetting themselves. As of late, I've learnt a bit of control, and it's proving to be a good thing to do. I don't know why I didn't do it before.

For the moment, I'm keeping check on my heart - I think it's healing - and the time. A person can only prepare themselves so much for the inevitable, and I have to be ready...or, at least, somewhat ready.

We'll see where this goes.

As an afterthought, Dandyism is so gosh darn fascinating and I think you should all Google it. :D

Sittin' in bed.

2010-04-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

Ah, bed. Don't you just love it? It's a place of warmth and comfort and dreams; something someone like me would never want to leave but would be scared to go back to.

I hate going to bed, really. But I can never wake up in the morning. Hrm.

Tomorrow night I fly out to Broken Hill to visit Anna and Lucy, whom I have never met face to face. I'm travelling alone and that's why I'm freaking out - I've never done that before, and I know how many problems can arise during travel. I'm just hoping that everything will run smoothly and according to plan. I think it will. I don't really have any bad feelings about it - only natural anxiety.

IT'LL BE ALRIGHT.

I can't wait to explore and take photos. It'll be an adventure fo'sho. So long as I get enough sleep. I'm lacking in that right now oh deaaarrr ffffff. AND I CAN'T SLEEP ON PLANES LOLOLOLOL.

Alright, tiredness hysteria is setting in. Time to stop.

If I somehow disappear for a long while, you'll know whhyyy. :D CALL THE COPS. QUICKLY.

Right bye. Wish me luck.

A drawing and a photo

2010-04-07T04:02:00.000-07:00

Photoshop.

My dad's pup, Padma.

Ballyhoo.

2010-03-31T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's my ball tonight.

I'm currently waiting for Other Mum to pick me up. I have a nail appointment at 10:30 and it's currently quarter to 10. And she's not here yet.
Kind of freaking out. I don't want to be late!

On the other hand, a lot has been happening. Packing has begun. Justin - who is going to live here for a while - has 'moved in', so to speak. And there's a massive greyhound out the back called Shadow whom we really shouldn't have here but nobody likes landlords so nobody cares.

I feel a bit iffy lately. I don't know. It's like I'm not exactly sure of what I'm doing - with everything. From the most trivial to the most important. It takes a lot not to panic and/or break down and cry, and it's times like these when I wish mum was here to order me around...weirdly enough.

Ugh, I really haven't any idea.

Okay, Other Mum is here. Must go.

Mr. Byron

2010-03-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

Oh, pardon - Lord Byron.

Mr. Gray

2010-03-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah.

Today...

2010-03-10T00:23:00.000-08:00

...the number 7 popped up in three different places.

Place #1: In a discussion about rainbows having either 7 or 3 colours.
Place #2: In a number next to my name on a class list.
Place #3: In my mark for my English Literature essay - 77%.

It was everywhere.
I'm going to have to do something about this.

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9!

Hmmm.

2010-03-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

Something...tentatively poking its head out. Visible. Almost. If I wait.

Remember, remember, I told myself.

I'm trying. I'm nearly there, at the bigger end of the bottleneck. I'm getting there.

Finally.

As mad as a hatter.

2010-03-06T07:12:00.001-08:00

Alice in Wonderland.

We decided to have a bit of fun.

Needless to say that facepaint was a bit icky. But it worked.

Pray for rain.

2010-03-03T02:41:00.000-08:00

So I think I should conjure up some more personal projects. I've not been doing anything for myself lately.

Photography comes to mind.
I need a vice to express my recent inspiration. But I don't want to do it how I usually do.

How shall I get different sets without being too elaborate? It's all so hard sometimes. Plus I need to work on my actual photography assignment which should've been finished last week.

:/

I'll be right.

On another note, I got a new phone and that fantabulous coat I've been wanting for ages. :)

Too much pasta

2010-02-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

Two days in a row? Not good.

I wish I had some exciting news to share, but I don't. It annoys me as much as getting dirt under my fingernails. My life is nothing but school and...planning to move, as it were. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

But I suppose one must have patience.

I want to get back into my photography. I forgot how much fun it is. As well as that, I need to paint again. Is this a sign that, even if i do a huge portrait which took me a very long time, I'll be able to pick up a paintbrush within three days of completion? I never thought I'd see the day.

I think I'm having one of those periods when I'm finding out what my place is in the world. It's becoming clearer and clearer by the day; sometimes my mind jumps to vagueness though. Balance escapes me in some respects. I wish I had the time and space to ponder on all this...on a lot of things. Eh, rambling. Sorry.

Not much else to report.
I'll try and finish this art research.

I do this all the time.

2010-02-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

Picspam from Debut! It was a huge success. All went well; extremely well. Beyond our very understanding of our expectations! Fun was had, and so was food. The artwork is being pulled down on Tuesday so don't miss out while it's still up and running.

And these photos...

...were from a day out yesterday in the city. It was pretty cool that they had CNY celebrations going on; we watched the dragons dance. I never really had seen them properly, I was always scared of them when I was a kid.
I also helped my friend to buy a suit; he looks mighty dashing.

I guess following my mother's passing away, things have been pretty good so far. I have three assessments this coming Friday, though. Gah. Oh well. On the weekend, I'm seeing Chicago the Musical, so that's something to look forward to. :D

Start over again.

2010-02-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

I can't stand being alone.

Please, don't leave me behind.

TwigTwigTwiggy.

2010-02-15T01:01:00.000-08:00

Twiggy Twig Twig. :)

Of trains and city-slicking.

2010-02-06T02:00:00.000-08:00

Today was...interesting.

I went to the city to have some 'me' time. I quite enjoyed myself, especially when I was sitting still and observing the street life and the people walk by. I've found that train stations - under or over ground - really intrigue me with their structure and feel. It feels like an organism all in itself, what with people coming and going all the time - like a cell excreting nutrients and absorbing them again.

I also discovered that sitting and waiting for something to happen can be very rewarding. I read one of an admired photographer's blogs last night, and I think I had the same thing today that he had yesterday - adrenalin-pumping euphoria, because there was so much going on. I explored a new area of my photography I never thought I was capable of, as seen by the last photo. I just captured her. If I hadn't pressed the shutter button for that one split second, I would've missed her. But I went with my gut, and I got possibly one of the best photos I've ever taken. Not for its quality; it's more like the skill encapsulated. I daresay it might be a maturing point for me.

Anyhow, enough of that.

I bought Massive Attack's new album today, and I am so desperate to go to their concert. I hope mummy says yes!

I'm also very impatient to start my driving lessons.

And I'm bursting with ambition. Woo!

Dabbling.

2010-02-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

A little something I sketched at the studio:

And a few photos:

I've been meaning to get that roll developed for a while. Finally did.

Otherwise, on the menu is ambition, but having nowhere to go with it.

City, country, city, country.

2010-01-29T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'm all of both.

Frustrates me to no end.

An education.

2010-01-27T02:29:00.000-08:00

So I wanted to repeat the Maths course I did last year, this year. But that didn't end up happening because they can't 'accomodate' for students like me. Isn't that their job; to keep open allowances for students with special cases? Or is that really too hard, too 'individual'?

Excuse Mr. Rossmoyne Man, you want to know why so many people rebel? Because you don't care about each one of us as individuals.

It seems, instead of repeating the course, I'm going to drop Maths altogether and have free periods to work on more important things that take more time. This gives me a freedom I'm not sure what to do with.

Anyway.

Enough of that.

My best bud comes back from over east tomorrow, and Federer's on his way up in the Australian Open. Things are shiftin' around down 'ere. And I go back to school on Monday, yipee.

This morning I got woken up at 9am by the postie who gave me a package with an 'Auto Duplexer' in it for my printer. I think that's the thing that'll allow me to scan negatives. I think. I hope. I'll really need that this year.

And I guess I can't complain. The sun still shines, the sky's still blue, nothing's falling down nor fraying at the edges. Mother and I were a bit down in the dumps today, but we had a good talk so I think harmony is restored once again.

Just, this portrait for the exhibition is giving me the shits. =.=

Artist's block.

2010-01-21T06:50:00.000-08:00

It's a little odd I saw a movie that circulated around artist's block when I have it myself.

It didn't help in showing how to 'rekindle the fire', though. How useful.

I hope it doesn't linger for too much longer.

Peacock.

2010-01-17T18:23:00.000-08:00

Boredom.

I repeat myself when I'm bored.

That little purple camera.

2010-01-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

I do enjoy its quirkiness. :)

Holga CFN

400 ISO colour film

Love and music.

2010-01-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

La la la la la la la la la la. :)

Yes, I felt the need to say that.
<3

Southern bound.

2010-01-11T03:20:00.001-08:00

I've just arrived back from the 2010 Southbound music festival.

It was, to say the least, amazing.

Here's a list of artists I really enjoyed:

- Abbe May & The Rockin' Pneumonia
Oh man, what can I say about her? Her presence is just so enigmatic. She's like a dark temptress with a rough exterior, but her voice is like the howl of a wolf in the dead of night under a full moon. She. Was. Incredible. I stood there in a trance for the forty minutes she performed. And I'm so glad I get to see her again at Big Day Out.

- Little Red
What a fun band. One of the singers sounded like Joe Cocker. A really bluesy, rockin' 60s band with a modern edge. I never knew Australians had it in them.

- Chairlift
I was particularly fond of these guys because they played really atmospheric music, kind of like Bat For Lashes. But I got really annoyed at the people behind us who were yelling 'Just play Bruises, the rest of your stuff is shit!'Fucking bogans.

- Tame Impala
Heh, well, not much to say about these guys. Very Cream-esque. This means Yashi has a lot of fun and can space out like a motherfucking hippy.

- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
WOOOOO KAREN O! Man, what a performer. She dressed up, screamed and jumped her way around the stage whilst forming a sychronisation with the rest of the band that made their music all the better live. It's like all the members share one brain. I love bands like that; they're very solid.

- Lisa Mitchell
Lisa's always been the most adorable little thing. I love her quirky songs. It was nice to chill out under the sun and listen to her.

- Children Collide
Hahaha, Morgan and I went insane when it came to these guys. Liv didn't like them so she went and sat out, but we headbanged and danced our way through their concert. Love their stuff; so full of energy. You can rock out to them like madpeople and nobody cares.

- The Editors
They reminded me a lot of Interpol. Spacey, dark music. I remember I was staring at the sky at around dusk while they were performing, and a million thoughts flooded my head.

- Wolfmother
I don't think much need be said about them.
Yeah.
Although I could say it was the first time I absolutely lost it in a moshpit without complaining about people shoving at me.

- Moby
This guy has class. His performance was really energetic. Unfortunately I was dragged away 20 minutes into it, but what I saw definitely left an effect on me.

- Xavier Rudd
Tribal dance to the max. He was kind of whimsical in that childlike way, with heavy African influence and fast beats. His music reminded me of the 'Peace to the world' songs - so euphoric and happy. Really good to get into.

- Grizzly Bear
I don't think their atmospheric stuff can be emulated on stage. It was a bit difficult to identify with, but I knew what they were playing so I enjoyed it more.

- Art vs. Science
Just fun. A lot of fun. Dancing was a necessity.

But yeah, other than all the artists, I:

- Witnessed Liv and Morgan throw water at each other
- Saw a giant chicken made out of aluminium cans
- Bought a souvenier for my friend
- The toilets were disgusting
- Got yelled at in the face by a 30-something guy...who was screaming the lyrics of some Hilltop Hoods song i.e. 'OH SHIT'. He creeped me out
- Witnessed 'indecent exposure' in the form of a bottomless male atop his friend's shoulders, letting the whole world see what he owns.
- Ate crap for 2 days
- Whinged. A lot
- I'm pretty sure I damaged my hip
- Had a drunk chick stumble all over me
- Sprinted to catch Lisa Mitchell
- Met a few quirky characters
- Listened to highly amusing banter whilst waiting for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Got crushed
- Got burnt
- Felt like a hippy

All in all, 'twas good. :)

PHOTOS:

I ain't fightin'

2010-01-06T02:13:00.000-08:00

The year has gotten off to a good start with a relaxing atmosphere and a sense of anticipation in the air. So far, I've had some interesting conversations - sometimes late at night, sometimes in the early mornings. Nonetheless, people never fail to inspire me.

Yes, that's what it is. People. Always the people who look around and say things that strike somewhere deep in your soul. That make you think. The ones you admire and whose company you adore. I'm rather liking people at the moment; I never really used to.

On Friday, myself and a couple of friends are going to Busselton for the Southbound festival. Tomorrow, I'm going into the city so I have enough film in supply for said trip. Thank God. It seems like I've really missed the city...I do on occasion.

And here are some photos from the trip down to Mandurah:

'New Year'

2009-12-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

But not really.

It's nearing the end of 2009, so I thought I'd do a recount, so to speak. I don't know how long this year lasted, to be honest, but it felt like another life died and was born again. Now, I am in a transition. A richly wound vine of some sort dances before me, until I reach out and grab it.

If I made more sense, especially at this time, 2009 was a 'year' when I:

- was blissfully and consistently happy- became an artist of life
- did some of my best work
- had too much noise in my head
- found out what it feels like to be in the public eye
- felt the proverbial scale tilt too much to either side
- was selfish
- learnt how to not be selfish
- rejected a part of myself that's essential for my wellbeing
- failed to hold onto it
- realised some things are never as important as we make them out to be
- saw the sunrise three times
- learnt that I think too much
- felt sand in between my toes
- noticed that grass is actually very soft
- became too cocky
- disregarded a lot of people
- lost myself in the sky
- had many, many enlightening conversations
- beamed with pride
- read a lot
- danced/laughed/sang/cried/screamed
- rediscovered my roots
- loved myself
- hated myself
- learnt to never, ever do the latter again
- experienced true freedom
- learnt a lot about different people
- travelled
- discovered an undeniable closeness with absolutely everything, and felt life flow through me
- made new friends

And a few realisations:

- Time is hard to come by these days
- Change can be difficult and quite frightening
- The moon and the sun know more than we think
- Birds are beautiful creatures
- Music will never cease to amaze me
- Everyone should have a sense of childish curiosity and/or wonder. They might as well be dead inside if they don't
- It's so easy to lose yourself. Too easy
- It's possible to fall into the sky
- This world is amazing
- People aren't always who they say they are
- Humans are very delicate beings
- Pretentiousness isn't worth upholding
- Nothing ever changes; it is only us that change
- Everything relates to everything else. To quote my friend: 'Is the sky blue because the grass is green, or is the grass green because the sky is blue?'
- I'll always return to myself. It's this confidence that makes me fearless

I'm sure there's more, but my lists get too long all the time, even when I'm tired.

It's the beginning of another year, and yet, I learn. It's just past 1:00am, and in this solemn hour, I'm still noticing things that weren't there before, or that I had forgotten. I don't think years end, really. Months just tell us that, and months are man-made, after all. Each progression of seasons is always different to the previous - they don't have to have names. The sun is up on the other side of the planet. Is it day or is it night?

Don't think we'll ever know.

Anyway, maybe some of this emotional mish-mash will come out in a piece of art or writing sometime.

Here's to a new year. Let's hope it'll be full of experiences we've never had before. It's the best way to grow.

Squeak.

2009-12-23T05:14:00.000-08:00

My life blood.

My best friend.

Cuttlyfish.

2009-12-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

Hehehehe. :D

El mañana.

2009-12-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Bonjour!

It is Friday now, and that brings another week to a close. Sometimes I wonder how fast time can move, and if we realise it's passing really fast, no matter how slow the clock ticks.

I went out with my father last night, and we drove to Mundaring Weir at 8pm. It was so beautiful. The air wasn't really all that cold, but it was so fresh, and the sun hadn't properly descended yet, so we could still make out the shadows of structures and whatnot. There were myriads of stars to be seen, and the water in the dam was so still; not to mention the sounds of the insects and birds.

We talked about life. As you do. I've discovered that being alive...we have so many miracles at our fingertips. It just takes the right pair of eyes to see them. I've known this all along; I felt uneasy when I didn't realise it. It's like I put a sheet up in front of it so it was out of sight - the ability to recognise that wow, I'm alive. But I see now. I think I always have, but I...just...stumbled.

Okay, progressively, I am now free of doing things for people. For a while. Pieces of art, that is. I can now do something for myself (finally). I want to take advantage of this as much as I can, but right now, I have to finish things I started a looooooooong time ago.

I also miss taking photos. A lot. I need to get some film developed.

Oh yeah, and here's something I did for my friend:

Meant to be Aeris from Final Fantasy, but I kind of fucked it up. :\

And something I did just for the hell of it:

Right, that's it for now.

Christmas is next week! :

Rambling

2009-12-17T01:03:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about too many things lately, and I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I think too much.

The fact that I have the belief I should be undeniably euphoric 24/7 is rather useless, really. I shouldn't be putting that burden upon myself, because nothing is working against me.

I've had fun the past two days.

I just think I need to let go of a few things, and stop being so goddamn bitter.

WHAT THE.

2009-12-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

I JUST REALISED.

I HAVEN'T FINISHED A DRAWING IN, LIKE, FOREVER.

OMGWTF.

Do I remember?

2009-12-07T02:09:00.000-08:00

I like to watch the trees, because sometimes they move and sometimes they don't. And it's interesting to see how their green contrasts with the big blue sky, and how it all seems to open up for everyone - not for a moment, nor a day, but for years and years and years.

Do I remember how that felt - to hear the wind, hear the very heart of the earth pulse with what we call life? Do I remember knowing I'm a part of everything, because I live not as many, but as one? Do I remember all that?

I do.

There's nothing else for it to say that I do.

That's the miracle.

Hehehehe.

2009-12-05T17:54:00.001-08:00

A lil' bit of stuff.

And Chris Corner was in my dream last night.

Hoorah.

2009-12-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

The pox is clearing from my face most rapidly, and most of them have decreased in their size and only look like tiny dots now. :)

I should never underestimate the healing abilities of my body. It's a good little thing.

Hullo, I'm David Bowie

2009-12-03T01:46:00.000-08:00

A few things that have triggered my brain cells as of late:

- David Bowie, I love him. And I know now that I'll always love him, no matter what happens or who else I become fascinated with. I just have to whack on a dvd or some music and BAM, love for him is ignited again. :)

- Gossip Girl is boring. I watched about 20 minutes of it, and I got bored.

- I'm art-ing again! This makes me happy.

- Chicken pox is slowly fading. Key word being slowly. I wish it would hurry up and heal so I don't have to look like a goddamn Twister mat anymore. >:(

- I've had weird, unprecedented cravings for Coke as of late.

- I WANT TO GO OUT SO BADLY.

- Dali's fascination with rhinoceros horns. It's so amusing, but it makes perfect sense. This guy's intuition for coincidence is flawless. He's amazing.

- I feel more and more energised as the week wears on. I hope by the time this chicken pox becomes non-contagious I can channel that energy into going places.

- I realised things aren't as bad as they seemed. I just missed out on one little thing...and even then I can rebuke it. It'll be fine.

Yeah, I'm in a good mood. :)

Ewwww.

2009-11-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

Chicken pox is the grossest thing ever.

I want them to go away. Now. I don't want them all over me, it's just too disgusting!

Just because.

2009-11-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now:

1. I wish you'd stop doing this and get a sense of self. It's beginning to get irritating.

2. You are a darling, gorgeous creature, but you've got it all wrong. How did this all happen? Why did you do that to yourself? Don't you understand that happiness doesn't lie where you think it does? You have such great things in your life. Forget the past and turn over a new leaf; you'll be better off that way.

3. I'm so worried, but I desperately need your company. Please, please embrace the world outside again.

4. You're so vague. I hope you know that.

5. You used to fascinate me, but now you're just a pain in the ass. Get over yourself.

6. Don't leave it all to me to decide. This is yours as much as it is mine.

7. I don't think I know how to feel about you.

8. Nothing.

9. Nothing.

10. Nothing.

9 things people may not know about you:

1. I am an incredibly selfish person.

2. I think very deeply about the world.

3. My last name shouldn't really be Renoir.

4. I wish I had a British accent.

5. I'm half Polish.

6. I hate calling people. Phone conversations are awkward and messy.

8. I don't cook. Well, hardly.

9. I have never been kissed (but I don't think this is important at all).

8 ways to win your heart:

1. Respect.

2. Honesty.

3. Trust.

4. Have a sense of individuality and self-esteem.

5. Don't fuck around with me.

6. Intelligence is something that has lost its value. Intelligence is something I value.

7. Be interested in books.

8. A good taste in music is optional, but preferred. :)

7 things that cross your mind a lot:

1. What the hell am I going to do today?

2. I don't want to go out.

3. God, this world is absolutely beautiful.

4. Insert song that may be stuck in head here.

5. *whiiiiiinnngeee

6. Leave me alone.

7. I can't be fucked. Go away.

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

1. Write.

2. Read.

3. Think too much.

4. Toss and turn.

5. Have a drink of water.

6. Think way too much.

5 things you notice in the opposite sex:

1. Eyes.

2. Hair.

3. Facial structure.

4. Dress sense.

5. Posture.

4 things you wish you never did/had:

1. A bad neck. It gets very painful.

2. Nothing.

3. Nothing.

4. Nothing.

3 songs to describe your life:

1. Anything by Pink Floyd.

2. Peace of Mind - Bat For Lashes.

3. Nothing Brings Me Down - Emiliana Torrini.

2 things you want to do before you die:

1. Travel absolutely everywhere that I can.

2. Leave my mark upon the world.

1 confession:

1. I don't hate. I forgive.

I know it's a sin.

2009-11-23T03:12:00.000-08:00

As I am certain I mentioned before, there is something coming. Something's building up in my gullet and is soon going to be released. I feel it - physically - every day, and it seems very...outrageous. I wonder if I can handle it when it eventually does come flowing out.

I've never really indulged before, so to speak, and I think this...thing...whatever it is, is going to provoke something of a reaction within me that will totally destroy remnants of whatever I had left of my childishness. As well as a wave of inspiration, this thing is a growth, and it's going to be destructive. I'm excited and thrilled by the idea rather than frightened. It seems such a silly thing to be frightened, as if it's not all that necessary. I've waited far too long for something new and fascinating to cross my path. It's about time it had.

And so I wait anticipantly for this thing to open its jaws and clamp down on me.

Vicious, really.

Chris Corner.

2009-11-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

Holycrap. <33333333

Stuff and...green things.

2009-11-19T06:16:00.000-08:00

As you can see, I've been busy. :)

I recently acquired a 50mm lens, which took those shots. They turned out really, really nice. I was pleasantly surprised.

Regarding the...green thing...I really don't know. I wanted to do something creative after studying for so long, so I drew this. Which coincidentally looks like Old Gregg.

Oh well.

My eyes hurt and I feel contemplative and...hungry. And I don't want to go to bed.

Also, I fucking love IAMX.

Simple girl.

2009-11-17T03:29:00.000-08:00

My creative vibes are tingling...

I'm so glad that drama's over with.

>:(

2009-11-14T03:56:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate teen drinking.

Why don't they do something more productive instead of getting smashed?

God, what the hell is the purpose the stuff anyway! I wish somebody would blow it all up!

ARRGHHHHH. D:<

And they wonder why they suffer health problems later in life! Fucksake.

To Write Love On Her Arms.

2009-11-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

Get involved:

http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=36235764583

One down

2009-11-09T03:42:00.001-08:00

Five to go *sigh

The worst of it is out of the way.
I can sort of free myself up now.
Just, ew, Maths.

On a lighter note, Saturday shall be fun. :) And I need to start planning my party.

An aloha to those who are also doing exams and also suffering.

And they begin

2009-11-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

Exams, that is.

I've got three per week. Nicely divided, can't complain. Only thing I can complain about is having to do them. Argh.

I'm sooooooo not in the mood to study. It's too hot.
But I'll breathe a sigh of relief as soon as this coming week is over.

Eh, I dunno. Maybe I'll be alright.

On another note, I've planned a lot of things for the coming holidays. I'm not sure if I'll get them done successfully, but one can only try. After all, I have ten weeks in which to do them. This excites me.

It's nearing 10:30am and as well as studying for English Literature, I have to finish my studio piece for Art today. *huffs

I guess that's what late nights are for. :D

The life as it is

2009-10-28T04:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here doing homework.

I've made a commitment that I need to minimise socialising and procrastinating AS MUCH AS FUCKING POSSIBLE to get all this shit done.

Which is a lot, mind you.

It. Never. Ends.

And then, of course, exams complicate things further.

Makes me feel like stabbing something. Like a pillow. Or something alive. *hiss

NONETHELESS, IN A MONTH I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ajskdsjlksjslsdk I need more sleep.

Remember a day.

2009-10-25T01:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually that fond of summer, but there's something about this year.

Something different.

Film.

2009-10-20T04:47:00.000-07:00

I seem to be indulging in film photography a lot more lately.

These shots are from the beginning of the year. Forgot I had 'em.

Right now, I feel lovely.

Holga-ing.

2009-10-15T02:06:00.000-07:00

This is why I love film photography. And this is why I'm contemplating getting a Flickr account.

I really love my Holga now.

Mfgh.

2009-10-10T19:33:00.001-07:00

Right, well, school is in two (two) days.

Like ew.

I do not, under any circumstances, want to go back. But thankfully it's only a four-week term (which actually proffers the looming exams; not cool). Either way, I'd rather be on exam break than at school. It's just too much being in that godforsaken building for six hours a day.

I went to a party last night which was epic fun. Singstar, pool tables and four-person rave parties all 'round.

And right now I am starving.

And just, nyer! I should've done some schoolwork but I've done none, save art.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Ehh. Well.

It won't be long.

OverUnderSidewaysDown

2009-10-09T03:57:00.000-07:00

- I do love film photography. I really do. It's just so archaic (in a good way) and nostalgic. When you look back at them it's like there are real memories there. But sometimes it's a difficult son of a bitch. Oh well. Worth it.

- The Yardbirds are freakin' awesome!

- I'm going to take my camera to school more often.

- Can't wait for this summer :) Festival season ftw.

- I wish I was a hippy. I mean I am a hippy, just...I wish there were hippies everywhere like there were in the 60s.

- I want to travel more often. Day trips are fine with me.

- I can't stop wearing this hippy headband. It feels like it's glued to my head!

- Oh how I love history and culture!

Backwards, forewards, square around. :)

And I rise like a bird.

2009-10-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

What a gorgeous, gorgeous day.

I believe there's a place five minutes away from my house that is quite beautiful if you walk there. I prefer walking over riding, for sure. I treaded through the long grass and ran through the flowers, and listened to the peace around me. I felt...at home, for once.

Lately, home has been feeling rather stale.

I can't find any freshness anymore.

With spring comes thick air. I don't like it very much. Winter had a clarity about it, but spring is heavy with pollen and humidity and sunshine. Not that the sun is a bad thing, but it comes with its disadvantages.

My energy is also waning. My eyes hurt all the time.

I just want this weight to be lifted, even if I don't know what it is. Something...irritating. A gap I can't fill, no matter what I do.

I want to be able to feel something pure. Everything has been a mish-mash of emotion; nothing's been absolutely direct. Even my thoughts are scattered.

However, it does not pain me.

Just...very frustrating...

A few things from a day out.

2009-10-04T02:50:00.000-07:00

- Did you know that old people are really cool? I met one today who can play some damn fine blues guitar, and he played Cream songs! I was overjoyed.
- I hate haze. I hate it more than anything. Especially if it's cold haze.
- Perth Markets in the cultural centre are quite wonderful.
- Mmm, coffee.
- Mmm, pie.
- Mmm, Dippin' Dots.
- I love sitting and eating somewhere with music and sun and people. It's just so...atmospheric.
- Sometimes I scare myself with how much I love music. Seriously. Somebody needs to put a leash on me and stop me from buying music every time I go out.
- No way that old hippie was going to take advantage of me!
- Camera store assistants are delightfully geeky.
- I think I snapped my film again. :\
- A REALLY FUCKING BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: I AM INSPIRED. EVERYBODY CELEBRATE. INCLUDING YOU.
- Trains are foon.
- If I could live somewhere other than here, I would live in Borders.
- I was in the Sunday Times magazine. Fuck yeah.
- I hate hangnails.
- I found a really huge Snakes'N'Ladders boardgame today. Laid on the grass. Children were doing cartwheels on it.
- Why are art books so expensive? *woe

That is all. :)

I'm always losing to win.

2009-10-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day today.
The morning was wonderful, but then it slowly got worse. Because I was impossibly exhausted, fatigued beyond reason, and I took out my frustration on my mother who in turn got frustrated with me. And it went kablammo, figuratively speaking.
I also found out two rolls of film I used for Fairday turned out with nothing on them. Meaning I didn't load it properly.
Fuck my fucking life. >:(
And this guitar case we bought is useless as well. My guitar doesn't fit in it. Who the hell makes guitar cases that don't fit goddamn guitars in them?!

I came home and had a good cry. I apologised to mummy.

I feel better now. I spent my night doing this:

Which I quite like for a first attempt. I've never done an architectural painting before.

Tomorrow I am going to Liv's place for a Boosh/Bowie day/night. I think I need the release; just to forget about everything for a little while.

I swear, the school needs to give us three weeks of holidays, because in the end it only ever ends up being one week. We spend one week getting over the shock of the previous term, the next week having fun. And then we end up at school and find ourselves thinking 'Whoah that was short'.

But oh well. Life has its ups and downs. Just gotta keep on moving.

DUDE!

2009-09-30T03:20:00.000-07:00

MY HOLGA CAME TODAY! FUCK YEAH!

In'she purdy? Her name's Lola. :D

Also there are some Bowie sketches with which I filled up a whole A3 page. :) He's just that awesome.

YAY. HAPPY NOW.

Wow. Wowowowowow.

2009-09-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Pink Floyd is love.

There is no other way to describe them.

Absolutely everything about them surmises love in the most eloquent and stunningly beautiful way.

If one could devote their heart to a band, I would to Pink Floyd.

---------------

Yes I went to a concert tonight. :D With Lukey. We had fun.
It was a Pink Floyd tribute concert and my god they were good. There were a few places in which they didn't quite reach the depth that David Gilmour reaches, but they got pretty damn close. And that is an achievement in itself considering their music is so damn complicated.

But I think I fell in love all over again.

The emotion that pours out of their instruments - the real Pink Floyd, that is - is unbelievable; so clear and pure and raw and real. It's like a religious experience, but not religious, because I believe they totally go beyond that, to the utmost highest of powers; the spiritual. They're just incredible.

Eloquence in music. It is not valued anymore.

My thoughts seem to be echoed in their music; thoughts of how I feel about the world, life, the beauty of everything. No one, I think, can express me clearer than them. Except myself, of course, but they understand. They don't even know it, but they understand.

I've missed them so much!

I'm glad my soul has found its companion again.

Cold

2009-09-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

This weather is horrible. :(

Oh what.

2009-09-27T20:08:00.001-07:00

I went to Fairday yesterday.
It was very tiring.
I forgot how exhausting a warm day can be if you're out in the sun most of the time. Nonetheless, it was fun. Met a few interesting people and experienced some good things, some bad things, and some scarring things (like that guy who sung about rooting).
Liv also taught me how to wind my film properly without snapping it. :3
I came home and caught up with my dear friend Yael. I haven't seen her in donkey's years and it was nice just to talk about what's been happening lately. And I can tell you, she's been a busy girl.

And now it's rainy and cloudy. >:(

I feel like doing some photography or, you know, some art. I'm in the mood for raw 60s music and a don't-give-a-crap atmosphere. I suppose a multitude of people have heard The Troggs' 'Wild Thing'? It's such a great song!
I don't really know, actually. I went to bed at 3am last night (this morning, rather) so I feel a little...yuck. But I have a hankerin' for some artin' and it needs to be tended to. I've been deprived of it for so long!
Maybe when I feel better. And have a shower. And breakfast. :

On another note, Pink Floyd tomorrow night! Woooo!
Also, I fixed my computer after it was being a douchebag. :) Yessssssss.

WOMG.

2009-09-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

GUYS.
I FINISHED IT.
EARLY, TOO.
AND I MANAGED TO GET OTHER HOMEWORK DONE.
AND GYOH THAT'S A LOT OF STRESS TAKEN OFF.

AND THE EXHIBITION IS ON TOMORROW NIIIIIIIGHT WOOOOOOOOO!

On another note, Fairday is going to abso-fucking-lutely awesome and I totally can't wait. :D

I want to read Dorian Gray again before the movie comes out.

And um. Yeah. I think that's it for now.

DEAR GOD MAN.

2009-09-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

Just finished my third essay plan. Two more to go.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

They better be worth it if they're taking this long!

*sleeps

Where does that leave us.

2009-09-20T00:56:00.001-07:00

I am rather disliking school at the moment.

In fact, I'm disliking a lot of things.

My lack of ability not to think straight, the cynicism I feel towards things, the slowly growing pile of homework the week before school ends, constant tiredness, the blank spaces in people's eyes, the day after day throttling of pressure from school, no time for anything anymore, too much fucking rain.

It never stops. It never, ever stops.

And yet, I don't seem to care that I have things to do. Today I've spent most of my time reading, because, well, it seems more important than whatever bullshit I have to do to keep my grades up. I don't know how well I'll be able to push myself through this remaining week...it appears a trivial affair, at any cost.

And God, people are so annoying.

I haven't been able to be properly alone for a long while yet. I miss that beautiful silence of nothing but the earth moving in its wake, trees stretching for the sky, the soft wind against the window, the sun dancing through the curtains. I miss...quiet. It's all noise, noise, noise at the moment, nothing else.

Irritable, really.

So, what can I do but suffer for it?

I don't want to do anything. I don't think I can. But I must.

It's always a must.

One fucking must after the other.

Oh, why.

2009-09-17T02:23:00.001-07:00

What a cliché title.

Before you read on, keep in mind that this blog post is a Whinge Post.

The last night of doing Art was the most tedious. Why? Because I had to write four pages of A3 notes. That's why. And I didn't end up finishing till 12:15am. Needless to say I felt totally fucked in the morning, yet still managed to lug my sorry arse to school. My friends copped a lot of complaining from yours truly.

And now I realise that it's not over yet. Oh no, it can't possibly be over. I still have a mountain-load of homework: Lit, Human Bio, Maths, History, Photography. Which accounts to 5/6 of my subjects.

Joy.

But, seeing as it is the night after I slaved for three days straight, I refuse to do anything. Even if I have an assessment tomorrow (although, I'm not that silly - I'll do some brief revision. Very brief). Even if I have Lit homework due tomorrow.

If the school won't give me a break, I'll have to give myself one.

Tonight I am seeing Equus with Maria. It should be good.

On the brighter side, I've got the exhibition night next week, and Fairday the following Sunday. And I can only look forward to each to get me through the week and a bit I have left of school. Even then there are exams.

Totally exhausted. Never get a goddamn rest.

Whoah man.

2009-09-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

Just got through a massive load of art today.

And I have another massive load to finish by Thursday. Great.

Went to a program today called Aspire, where they basically give you a motivational talk. I thought it was quite good and covered lots of issues - from the ups and downs of life, self esteem, self talk, 'the thoughts you think define what you do', motivation for study, to making goals for the future. I think every student should see it; it'd definitely be a confidence booster. It actually made me see the right way round for once.

Afterwards I went to visit my old Year 7 teacher for a few brief moments, because I haven't seen him in 4 years. It was nice just to have a chat and to chastise the kiddies that were in his classroom. :) He hasn't changed a bit!

I've spent the whole night cramming for Art (which is why I'm up at 5 past 11). And I need to do it again tomorrow night. No doubt the other subject teachers will give us homework, but fuck that, Art is priority. If I don't finish it, I die.

Nonetheless, these last two nights have been quite...liberating. I feel a lot less weighty than I did last week, and a lot of burden has been lifted from my shoulders. How this happened I do not know, but it looks like 'alone time' paid off (get yer mind out of the bloody gutter!). I feel a bit more reassured about my Lit essay next week as well. I know I can do it; no need to freak out. Plus the weekend is totally mine.

Come holidays I have to start studying for exams! Ahh!

I guess I had a good day. It was fun. But it feels like tomorrow should be Thursday.
Speaking of, on Thursdee night I'm seeing Equus! w00t!

And here's something to remember me by:

Salvador Dali, for my Art folio. :)

God rest his soul. Actually no, don't. He was too crazy for God.

Art and Music and Independence

2009-09-14T06:13:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever noticed the effect of socialising too much?

There's...too much of yourself in weird places. And when emotion arises from your tightly sealed throat, you choke it down as if it doesn't exist. Because you can't exactly let it all come crashing down when you're with so many people, and you're doing so much, and life just gives you far too much baggage.

There ain't no time. It ain't no place for it.

I have been throwing myself around in all sorts of strange places I didn't know existed, and the words that came tumbling out of my mouth didn't seem like my own. It was all in vain to convince myself that everything's okay. Well, it wasn't, I can tell you.

I nearly made myself sick, it seems. I can feel a clot of phlegm at the back of my throat from something that would've become an illness, but I think I stopped just in time to prevent it. Now I'm heavily laden with copious amounts of work and assignments and essays and tests I need to do/prepare for; work I ignored for the past two weeks because it didn't seem like it...mattered. Something else was nagging me.

Now, to talk of independence, I mean that a simple afternoon by yourself bar all social interaction is incredibly soothing. Just doing your own thing, sitting at your own desk with nobody to bother you or squeal in your ear or laugh about things you think are stupid. Just you, your work, and some pretty swingin' 60s music.

Well, at least that's the way it goes for yours truly.

I spent my entire afternoon/evening (and I'm still going) doing work for my art folio. At school I was barely human - more a zombie hauling myself through the corridors and making sure I looked like I was paying attention. But now that I've had some 'quiet time', so to speak, my usual thoughts are returning, a weight has been lifted from my body, and I feel like I could dance around the room to whatever the hell Musicovery decides to play for me. Therapeutic. That's what it is.

As is 60s music. It's an entirely different feeling altogether. There's an element of freedom to it; reminds you of the days when the sun used to shine, and brings that sunshine in for a temporary amount of time. Seems to light up the whole house, really. And it gives me reassurance. I don't know how, but... I know I absolutely prefer it to any other type of music. Save Pink Floyd. That's a different matter.

But, I guess just hangin' with yourself is very complimentary to the artistic process, as well. A craving to paint a million portraits just overcame me. Definitely a good sign, considering I couldn't be bothered doing anything before.

And now I'm thinking I'll probably need a good week of being 'alone' to get my inspiration back and to feel a little more peaceful in the (dire) situation I happen to be placed. I just want to feel like I'm able to breathe again; need my space.

*sighs* I'm looking forward to coming home these next few days. The weekend, too.
I'll return to my hermit roots.

Oh, that Saturday sun.

2009-09-10T02:30:00.000-07:00

Hey boys and girls.

These are a few photos from a great Saturday out with the arty farty mob.

They were taken with my 35mm SLR I got from my mum's friend, which I found to work very, very well. I'm pleased about this.

Anyway, I love them dearly. They turned out great. :)

Fml.

2009-09-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ugghhh duuuudes.

Seriously.

Getting mad at the school for being a fucked up idiot is so tiring.

And I find myself doing/socialising a lot more and man it's taking its toll. I'm way too tired to think much at the moment, and the painting I have to do for Art - folio work, that is - is really tedious. And annoying. If I didn't have to do it, I wouldn't.

I really need a break. But I won't get one till Sunday. Bloody hell.

Nothing muuuuuuuch to report, other than the exhibition I entered my Nick Cave painting into I apparently am invited to awards night. Meaning, I got into the finals. w00t.

Anyway *sleeps

Better work on this stupid thing.

Nymph

2009-08-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yaaay. :)

Random doodling in photography leads to stuff like this.

Art nouveau? I don't know.

Something.

Anyway, maybe will be doing more of these.

Victorian set

2009-08-15T03:43:00.000-07:00

Alright, this is the first time I've attempted something large scale like this.

I went op-shopping today for props, and it was a NIGHTMARE. Some shops didn't have what we wanted - even the fricken' vegetable shop - and others just failed. Drivers were bad, weather was bad, put mum and I in a bad mood but we got it done. And the results are very satisfying.

I can say that I'm really proud of this and I can't wait to start shooting, now.

But whew that was exhausting!

I've yet to put slices of cake in there, and I'm going to a couple of shots with strictly soft toys and vegetables. And music stuff. But this is the first set so far. :)

You saw this coming

2009-08-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Come on guys, you can't say you weren't expecting it.

This is my pretty pretty guitar, still to be named. :)

A sign that says 'good love town'

2009-08-11T04:26:00.001-07:00

Good love,
Passed it last night in a dream...

Things are beautiful.

Here're some photos I recently scanned:

And here are a couple of sketches:

I like deer.

How does it feel...

2009-08-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

To treat me like you do...

Blue Monday, New Order

Procrastinating from human bio I am, and I'm bored and annoyed and I just love the smell of that air coming in from the door. It's a lovely day, I'd rather go out than have to do homework but there's nothing much I can do about that.

In other news, I went to a party on Friday night and burned up the dancefloor. It was a hell of a lot of fun. My calves still hurt. And I've been having cravings for wine.

I've also managed to get a film camera of mine to work. It's fully functional and it's a 1973 model Canon EF. It's pretty groovy. I'm yet to buy film for it.

I'm also progressing guitar-wise. I've managed a couple of chord changes which I couldn't do before and the notes are becoming more fluent. Very soon I'll be able to play Wish You Were Here entirely. :)

*le sigh* I'm just a bit anguished and run-down. I'm in no mood for schoolwork.

So here's something amusing:

Dream Catchers

2009-08-04T07:16:00.001-07:00

This is a creature I've invented. His species is called the Dream Catcher. He visits humans at night and steals their dreams and puts them in the jars tied around his waist, and the big one tied to his back. He also keeps a spare jar in his hat just in case. Sometimes they sustain injuries from pets they encounter (although they try to keep well away from animals altogether), which is why their clothes are easily torn and destroyed. Sometimes they're able to repair them, but mostly they have to steal cloth from a sleeper's room to replace it, otherwise they get cold very quickly.

They have dark rings around their eyes, as they never sleep. Their pupils are constantly dilated to seize vision in the dark of night. They have spindly legs to allow them to clamber to high surfaces without much struggle. They also like to loot jewellery from the dreamers' rooms, and their sharp teeth aid them in chewing through rope and sometimes wire in order to achieve access to a sleeper.

They're quite cheeky and mischievous, but they do not disturb the sleeper and leave them peacefully for the night. They may choose the same sleeper for the next night, but they usually don't because it could arouse suspicion.

The symbols on their faces and hats basically symbolise the night. They are creatures of the night and take great pride in it.

He was a lot of fun to draw. :P

I have a lot of other ideas for mythical creatures, but I have a lot to do this week as well, so. Postponed. >:(

Une Characteur

2009-08-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

Just a character of mine; a small sketch.

Her name is Adrianna Llewellyn-Davies. She's British. :)

Over at the Frankenstein place

2009-08-01T19:30:00.001-07:00

Well, this is, I suppose, an impulse inevitably influenced by Rocky Horror.

Cause that movie is the shiz.

I wanted to paint Frank'N'Furter, so I did. :)

In other news, I have homework to tend to, and a sleepiness has overcome me. I feel worn and fatigued. >:(

Might go watch a movie or summin. Anything to procrastinate.

Darwin

2009-08-01T04:53:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gents, these are just a few of the photos I took while on holiday in Darwin.

The place is beautiful and there is so much to see. It's constantly hot but you find it's worth it when you've got such amazing sights.

I have many more but these'll do for now.

Feeding the raptor birds

This guy was letting his horse drink beer!

Don't try this at home, folks

They were feeding the crocs wild boar chops. And I just loved the way they leaped out of the water like that

The view from our room at the lake resort

Rhonda and mum at Berry Springs

This is how you feed barramundi. And I don't know if you can see him there, but he was huge!

The Barra.

Howard Springs

Some people we met up with in Darwin City

These boats are used for the dragon boat races

View of Darwin city from the other side of the harbour :)

Sunset from where we stayed in Sky City

Darwin Harbour

I got to pay him to take a photo. He was good. :)

Oranges! Markets!

More markets!

I will post more when possible...in a different post. Cause this one's crowded.

But there you have it. Some of Darwin's wildlife.